A Story, A Twist, and Some Thoughts

1. The Story

I've got a confession.

I hope this doesn't freak you out, but I have... certain feelings. They've been with me for a long time - my whole life, it seems. I never really felt like I could talk openly about it because it makes so many people uncomfortable, or they just don't seem to understand (it's kind of a controversial issue). Lately, though, I've been coming to terms with it and I can talk about it more easily. So here goes:

I'm __________.

There, I said it.

Sometimes I feel so ashamed of these feelings. (Or maybe I should call them 'impulses', I don't know.) But other times it feels so natural to have them - like they're an integral part of me, not something I can simply choose or un-choose.

I'm not sure what to do.

Many people say that it's good that I've acknowledged this, and that I'm finally coming to accept myself. In fact, some warn me that these feelings will never go away, and insist that my best and only course of action is to declare publicly that I have these feelings, and that I should even be proud of them, give them full expression and build a life around them.

There are other people out there who say that it's actually unhealthy or wrong to act on these feelings, and that I should deny them, fight them, ignore them - in short, try to overcome them somehow. Some even admit that they themselves used to feel this way, too, but that they've somehow found a way to minimize if not completely eliminate them.

All these mixed messages, even from well-meaning people, leave me feeling confused.

On the one hand, I can't even remember the first time I felt these feelings. They've been with me for so long, it sometimes seems like this isn't simply something I feel, it's who I am, as if it were a fundamental part of my character. I've identified so long with these feelings, I'm not always sure where they end and where I begin. And I'm told that if society has a problem with me because of this - well, that just reflects society's bigoted nature, not any weakness on my part.

On the other hand, feeling ________ has only ever caused me sadness. Oh sure, there were times when I finally decided "OK, this is who you are - go that way," so I tried associating with other people who had these feelings, too. But you know what? After a while I realized that I didn't fit in there, either. I had so little in common with them. In society at large it's often not socially acceptable to be this way, yet even here among like-minded people - where I was told I'd find my place in life - I was often rejected, an outcast among outcasts. And whenever I acted on these feelings, I felt bad, like it was all a huge mistake. I mean, there might have been a temporary pleasure or euphoria involved, but that always quickly dissipated, and was replaced with guilt and/or regret. I ended up hurting myself or others. There was some comfort in knowing I wasn't alone, that others struggled as I did. But what I experienced by joining this crowd and acting on these ________ feelings was not what I was led to believe it would be. Virtually nothing about it felt right to me.

People often say,"To thine own self be true" - but to which part of myself should I be true when I experience conflicting desires?

Sometimes I just try not to think about this whole issue. In fact, I get so busy with work and stuff that I hardly have time to think about anything. Interestingly, I've noticed that these ________ feelings seem to fade into the background as I focus on other things. This gives me some hope that maybe it's possible to live happily without being ________. On the other hand, sometimes when I least expect it a thought or a feeling will pop into my head or heart or body and I'll immediately be back in that crazy mix of sensations and memories and desires and frustrations.

At this point I'm trying to define many things about myself, like who I really am and what I really want out of life. I try to balance that with reasonable expectations (reality checks?) from my family, from society and from my own, deeply-held personal faith. Not that I'm simply trying to please others by the way I live - I do want to be an authentic and healthy person (true to my self). But I also want to be good, honorable, Christ-like, a righteous son of God, a contributing member of society, a true friend, maybe even someday an example for others to look up to.

Are these incompatible?

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(Thanks for listening. My story is over.)

2. The Twist

OK, the obvious way to fill in the blanks in my little coming-out narrative is to use some form of the terms gay or Same-Sex-Attraction.

But of course I've crafted it partly for predictability. :-)

We've become so accustomed to thinking about and talking about these issues in the politically correct manner that even without using the clichéd terms (gay, coming out, homophobia) it would be hard to miss the implication. However, I also forewarned of the coming twist, so you might have entertained other possibilities.

Here's the word I actually had in mind: violent.

Yes, I was thinking of violence - something that, like sexuality, has roots in thoughts, feelings and impulses and finds expression with both inner desires and outward behavior - and it's an increasingly serious issue in our society. Now go back and try reading the story again, this time filling in the blanks with the word I intended.

How does this change your interpretation of the story? In what ways does it affect your feelings about these issues? What does it suggest about the ways we think about and approach biology, genetics, self-expression and human behavior?

3. Some Thoughts

Disclaimers: first off, I'm not trying to equate violence with sexual orientation. That misses the point entirely. And yes, I know it oversimplifies complex issues, as most stories do. So don't try this at home, kids - this is for classroom purposes only!

But let's consider a few issues this story raises regarding the complex interrelationships among genetics, biology, emotions, identity, self-expression and behavior:

• Should everything we feel - simply because we feel it - be considered something good or desirable or healthy? If not (and obviously not, since that is part of the point of this little exercise), then where and how do we draw the line?
• Is "socially acceptable" ever a legitimate basis for fashioning rules/laws/cultural norms regarding behavior? If so, when and why?
• What if it turns out we really were born that way - does it necessarily mean we should live that way? Does it imply that society should therefore deem these feelings/desires/behaviors normal and natural and acceptable? For most people, such an idea is easier to affirm when applied to sexuality, thanks to several decades of lobbying by gay activists, etc. - but what about with an issue such as violence? Increasingly, research shows (...a favorite phrase, by the way, of those who compile studies in support of an unproven idea) a connection between biological inheritance and violent behavior. There's even talk out there of a violence gene that is more prevalent in certain slices of the population (read: prison inmates). But even if further research were to prove a genetic link - how is it that we so easily jump to the conclusion that we're all mere puppets of our DNA? The devil didn't make me do it (what a silly, Medieval notion). I'm a sophisticated 21st-century man - my genes are actually to blame!
• Will the ongoing Nature/Nurture debate ever provide us with a definitive answer? What if it does, what then? Even if it never supplies an easy answer, might the argument over causality itself possibly distract us from answers which are more relevant, 'truthful' or practical?

Turns out the born-that-way argument doesn't make a very good long-term companion after all, and even some out-and-proud gay activists have begun distancing themsevles from the notion. The older approach is slowly being supplanted by a newer one which insists that we should have unlimited personal expression of (choice in?) sexuality not because of biology or genetics, but regardless of it. This is an interesting idea, but it merits its own discussion in a later essay.

For now the simple but thorny question remains, to be or not to be.