Hello.

Why another LDS-guy-with-SSA blog?

Umm... I dunno. I guess I hope to find the same catharsis from writing that others seem to have found. And help and new insight from others who might care to comment. Perhaps some reality checking, too? Heck, maybe even a good laugh every once in a while. :)

Of course, any dicusssion these days involving sexuality and religion too easily turns into shouting matches, where respect (if any existed in the first place) quickly dries up and only anger and prejudice are reinforced. Ideally, I'd like this to be a supportive environment, one characterized by openness, respect, compassion and sincerity as well as a strong desire to learn and grow and improve, for me and also for anyone who visits (which probably won't be anyone, but oh well! - at least I'll have a place to vent!).

Overall, I suppose I'm hoping for a place where I can explore and share my own spiritual leanings right alongside all the complicated feelings I have. It's not going to be easy, since I'm naturally a private person, but maybe the relative anonymity of a blog like this will help.

For most of my life, I never felt very valuable. I carrried around (and still carry, to a lesser extent) a really low opinion of my own self-worth. Not consciously, mind you. Outwardly, I was doing ok. It's only in retrospect that I have learned how far back, and how far down, this deadweight on my soul/personality goes. It didn't all stem from my awareness of attraction to other guys, of course, though that is certainly part of it.

In any case, I've finally begun to have glimpses of my own value that I rarely felt before. Friends and family, counselors, church leaders, the blessings of prayer and feeling and recognizing the Spirit - have all contributed their part in helping me to feel better about myself. I vacillate, of course. Some days are harder than others. But I've seen the light, if only for brief moments, and it's too late to go back. I'm clinging to that memory and that hope as I take each step further into the undiscovered country.

Thus the name of my blog.

Normally I hate trying to choose usernames, handles, online ID's - I can never decide what to put. It's so confining, to be limited to just a few letters or words! But I've also learned that it's easy to be paralyzed by inaction, so I made a choice, and I'm living with it. (Kinda like life, eh?!) This is generally how I feel about what I'm trying to do with my life these days: I'm letting go of some things and seeking out others, and even though I may have short-term relapses (of behavior or self-attitudes) I'm making long-term progess.

I'm turning forward.